I SPENT the last week in Los Angeles (who's a little jet setter then?) as a guest at a Science Fiction Convention, which meant that I had to fly, as all other options are a little time-consuming.

The process of flying requires that you shut all systems down and go into tick-over mode.

The less you expect in terms of comfort, food and rest, the more likely you are to survive without running amok with a plastic coffee stirrer.

When I finally staggered back across the drawbridge of Baker Towers, I realised that it had taken me a mere ten hours to cross continental America and the Atlantic but three hours to get from the aeroplane to my home.

The first 20 minutes sitting on the tarmac after we landed were unavoidable, I concede.

A passenger required the services of a paramedic team and we were asked to remain seated until they and their patient had cleared the plane.

I need hardly tell you that several passengers declined to accede to this request and dragged their luggage down the aisles seemingly impervious to the hostile gaze of the compliant majority.

The next phase highlighted for me a mystery that has been intensified every time I fly from Heathrow.

Does anyone recall ever flying from or landing at a gate that was not at the furthest point from the departure or arrival lounges?

I can't.

There appear to be planes parked all along the sides but I am beginning to suspect they are dummies and that every plane flies from the end.

Maybe they think that by exhausting us before we get on the plane we will be more compliant, or that we won't realise how long we have actually been waiting for our luggage, if we have walked for half an hour to the baggage hall.

This week, despite trudging wearily to the baggage hall from the furthest end of the pier, we still had to wait 45 minutes for our luggage, due apparently to "staffing problems" that did not seem to impact on the ten flights that landed after us.

Then there was the long stay car park with the lowest rates that boasted it was "ten minutes from Heathrow".

An unusual description of Southall.

Robert Louis Stevenson advocated "travel for travel's sake".

But he didn't have to empty his pockets and take his shoes and belt off before he left.