I knew it would happen sooner or later... I would go out of fashion.

Many years ago I was 'in' and I could dress however I wanted.

Now, I don't know how to dress. In fact, I have no idea how other people should dress too or what is 'in' and what isn't.

To me everything is 'in' regardless of how stupid it looks.

I don't know what clothes to wear and what colour goes with blue or black.

Even if I did know about colour co-ordination, I am sure I wouldn't know which garment goes with what any more.

Just the other day I was trying to figure out what goes best with a Blackburn Rovers top.

My Shalwar Kameez bottoms or my beige trackies.

My wife made my mind up for me by throwing both of them in the bin.

I don't go clothes shopping any more and wear the same clothes week in week out.

I have become a hardcore window shopper who just enjoys the fact I can spend a whole day at countless stores and not purchase a single thing.

It is not as if I don't like spending money. I just don't like spending money on clothes any more.

I am pretty certain some stores have my picture up now with a notice reading: Don't bother asking this bloke if he wants anything because he is just looking.' Buying new clothes is a waste of money. Nowadays, the only new clothes I buy are the ones I wear to work.

I was in a store the other day and they were all selling these combat pants with pockets everywhere and red trainers (or shoes, I didn't know what they were).

The kind of outfits those skateboard folk wear, and there were blokes older than me trying the stuff on.

Men, however, do not have this problem until they reach fiftyish.

Having already got six pairs of black shoes, a woman will go and buy another because it is a 'slightly different design'.