Jack wakes up with a huge hangover. The first things he sees are two aspirins and a glass of water. He takes the aspirins and cringes when he clocks a black eye in the bathroom mirror. Then he sees a note from his wife: "Honey, breakfast is made and I left early to get groceries to make your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling."

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast. His son is also at the table. Jack asks: "What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, threw up and got that black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, he asks his son: "So, why did mum leave that note and breakfast?"

His son replies: "She dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your trousers off you screamed, Leave me alone, I'm married'!"

Broken coffee table: £150.

Hot breakfast: £5.

Two aspirins: 10p.

Saying the right thing, at the right time: priceless.



Fitba training
THE Famous Tartan Army Magazine has chartered a train to take 680 foot soldiers to Paris this year for the vital Euro 2008 qualifying match with France.

Editor Iain Emerson tells me: "We will depart Glasgow Central Station and travel overnight to London Waterloo before continuing the journey on Eurostar to Paris. It's the Tartan Army's very own way of saving the environment as the return journey by air would release around 367kgs CO2 per passenger, which compares with 127kgs by train (based on the National Energy Foundation's CO2 calculator)."

And here's me thinking that armies marched on their stomach, not trains and CO2.



Talk o' the toon
TRADITIONAL jokes that only work in Scotland, part 968. A guy asks his pal: "What colour jerseys do the Jambos wear?"

Maroon, comes the reply.

"I'll hae a pint o' heavy."

Jim Thomson tells us about a clearly affluent man in the pub who is asked what he does for a living. He says he works for Cunard, and is told by the inquirer that he works hard, too, but doesn't get his kind of money.

Catherine Gillon recalls the hostess pouring the tea and proffering a plate of cakes: "I made these rock cakes myself - take your pick."

Bobby Hendrie opts for the Francie and Josie shopper classic: "Oany honey?"

"Hunny oany."

Ian Baxter asks: "What do you call a man with one foot inside his front door and one foot out?" Hamish.



Tongue-tied
PROFESSOR Eddie Friel, former chief executive of Greater Glasgow and Clyde Valley Tourist Board, has been telling me about his new role as expert in residence at the Hospitality Training and Research Centre at Niagara University.

Over to Eddie: "We are now living in Lewiston, western New York (five miles from Niagara Falls), where I am teaching for the next three years. The move here has not been without its challenges, particularly in relation to language.

"Having purchased two cars, arranging insurance was more of a trial than anticipated. Having explained that I had a no-claims bonus for something like 30 years and that I could get written confirmation from my insurance company in Scotland the broker lamented, Oh! Will it be in English?' "



A world view
ON the theme of island life, Alan Douglas, the journalist/ broadcaster, recalls filming on Tiree for STV's Home Show at the thatched cottage of an eightysomething islander who had lived in the house all his life. He'd been born in the cottage and expected to die there, too.

Despite the very basic surroundings - no running water or electricity - he had a comprehensive knowledge of world events. He had two radios on - one on Radio Four and the other on the World Service - to keep up with what was happening in far distant lands.

He asked if Alan had been to Tiree before. No, he said, but he had had holidays on the adjoining island of Coll, which you could see from his cottage.

"Oh, Coll," he said. "What's it like?"

It turned out that he had never been off Tiree but knew more about the politics of South Africa and the Middle East.